There is a small town that is so small people just call it town. To the people, town is the center of the universe with sunrise that spills onto the sky like mercury into lakes. Here lies a man, not only a man but also a man named Bob. Bob whose name use to be Robert but has been destroyed by a society’s attempt to shorten everything in order to keep ‘fast pace’. Bob, correction just changed to B, lived in this small town all his life. Like the rest of town he was no god-fearing, bible loving man even though he couldn’t read or spell.
But that didn’t matter because he went to church every two years and had gathered enough knowledge of religion to drown a rat. Yes, bob was a good man when he wasn’t drinking and beating his wife, he enjoyed things that were strictly American like watching hours of T.V, harassing retards, and wearing strange Halloween suits with white hoods whenever his brothers called on him. Bob loved something that is strictly human, that separates the humans from the mammals: chapstick. He would rub a good amount before and after work. One day when Bob came back from a hard shift at his gas station, which was so empty that, he spent the time looking through magazines, he noticed something strange. The chapstick only seem to last 94% of what it use to! Troubled he called the company and complained but they told him to just put on more chapstick! Enraged he contacted the media, which had been tired of covering terrorist attacks and genocide in Africa, happily made his case front news. Hoping this would teach the company a lesson, he reapplied his chapstick but this time it only lasted 93.5% of what it use to. Left with no option he was forced to sue. All over the world headlines read:
B VS THE CHAPSTICK COMPANY
He showed up unshaved in overalls and incoherently made his argument, “I’ma suing fo uh least 10,000 dollars cuz I got uh dry lip. I’ma suing fo emotional things.”
The judge impressed by B’s intellectual yet inspirational speech raised his mallet and declared, “Judgment for the plaintiff.”
The chapstick company was stunned, “But your honor, this is not ethical nor legal. His lawsuit lacks practicality.”
Judge laid down his glass and said, “This is America, and we don’t need no useless practicality. I reckon if obese people can sue McDonald’s for making them fat even though they decided to eat there is legal, then so is this”
“Your honor you are setting a dangerous precedent about the nature of suing,” The chapstick company complained, “Before you know it, there will be lawsuits against gum that’s not everlasting, KFC lacking crispiness, chips not being crunchy and especially Pringles because ‘once you pop the fun can stop’”.
The judge nodded, “True but at least we never have to worry about idiotic lawsuits about mercury population, global warming ridged elections and monopolies mandated by the government”
All lit a cigarettes and thought to themselves: God bless America.