Warning:(this is a Mock-umentary on the events in 9/11 and this may offend you. Like mark Twain said about the adventures of huckaberry finn, anyone who attempts to find meaning in this will be shot. You have been warned.)
Dude change the channel
Summary: (parody of events of 9/11)
(A large brown cardboard box with a large white sign in black ink stating “WORLD TRADE CENTER”. Three pens taped together with a plane fin on the top of it, and a string guiding it into the world trade center crashes into it. As it crashes a Barbie doll appears at window of the building and jumps off. A ken dolls passes by and a dinosaur. Ken began yelling “NO…” The dinosaur seems distressed as well as he tries to pick up the Barbie doll)
Reporter: The events of 9/11 were a catastrophic event that shook the heart of America. Planes, controlled by Muslim extremist, crashed into the world trade center and pentagon killing thousands. Today we will go over the events of the day in order to make some sense, out of these non-senseless attacks and find out the reaction of the people on that day which will be burned into the skulls of Americas forever.
(Establishing shot of middle school. The president sits reading a book upside down, to some children.)
President: (his head in the book and read extremely slowly) and the cow jumped over the moon and the fork said…
Secret services: (whispers loudly) President, I hate to inform you, the world trade center has been attacked. (leaves waiting for the president to follow him.)
President: um… (Sits in silence for a while reading to himself)
Secret service: (comes back aggravated) Sir, we have a situation.
President: (intensely interested in his book) Wait let me just find out, who the fork ran away with.
Secret service: (shakes his head) it’s the spoon sir
President: No…wait (looks closer) oh…well, I would have guessed. (Gets up and follows Secret service man) But it makes sense because marriage is define in the bible as between a spoon and fork, not a fork and a fork because that is just looks weird.
(Establish shot of a base looks like camp Dave. There is a big round table and everyone including the president)
President: (stands up) Some of you may not know this but our country has been attacked
(They all look at each other like “duh”)
President: The most logical thing we should do is go into Iraq and stop Sadaam!
Collin Powell: um… sir secret documents show Osama Bin Laden and Muslim fundamental extremist are credited for this attack.
President (sits down) Yes but I believe Sadaam has something to do this. So I say we go into Iraq and…
Collin: Sir we have not evidence of Iraq having any involvement, I think we should go after Osama bin laden he is probably somewhere in Afghanistan plotting his next attack against us.
President: Yea I get it…Osama blah blah but maybe Osama is in Iraq
Collin: No, he’s in Afghanistan
President: how do you know?
Collin: (frustrated) I…Intelligence shows…
President: Intelligence nothing. I know Osama is in Iraq.
Another advisor: Sir Powell is right. And going into Iraq may not go over well with Americans especially with our allies. Iraq could jeopardize our reputation in the international community not to mention within our own country.
President: We need to invade Iraq
Collin: Why? Is this because of your father’s unfinished business?
President: (flakily and slowly) No…
Collin: (folds his arms and leads back in his chair) Then why?
President: because I don’t trust them. They have an A in their name just like Afghanistan and you know the brick doesn’t fall far from the tree. And I bet Afghanistan has a q just like Iraq. My radar is going off.
Collin: No it really doesn’t…
Paul: (evilly) wait now maybe it does have q
Collin: no it realy doesn’t
Paul: I mean I smell something foul in the air. Maybe Sadaam does have something to do with this. Um…right dick?
Dick: Uh…yeah. I read some secret reports that Iraq had uh…
Paul: (interrupts to help) weapons
Dick: yes… (nods) but not just any weapons (Paul shakes his head in agreeing). Weapons of destruction
Paul: Yes of mass destruction which are different then normal weapons and… they are…
Dick and Paul: (at the same time) Weapons of mass destruction
Collin: Funny I didn’t get that report
Dick: well it was secret and you weren’t sitting at our lunch table.
President: So it’s decided, we will go into Iraq bomb it to hell, get some oil and if have any more time we should do something about North Korea.
(all silently sip their coffee and agree with their eyes)
Reporter’s voice: By the end of the day it seemed the news was affecting everyone everywhere. Children had lost their mothers and father. Everyone was outraged by the savage attack and everyone in their own way tried to make sense of it.
(Shot of the KKK at a meeting. They are in a building with swastika signs everywhere saying “niggers must die”)
Leader: My brothers and sisters today our country has been savagely attacked, by those prejudice racist no good Muslims. I say I have never in my life, seen such horror and evildoing. It makes me sad to think that people on this earth could be so ignorant and far away from the word of god.
One member: Did know they tried to use god or ‘allah’ as they call him to defend their actions against killing innocent white Christian people?
Leader: I know. It sickens me too, brother.
Another Member: How can we live in a world with such senseless bigotry?
Leader: The only way is to trust in the lord. Let us pray: Lord our country has been attacked by the devil. We will do your will to kill those devils that terrorize, are prejudice, and racist towards America. We will kill the first black man or Jew we see as a sacrifice to you. Please bless all the white Christian families who lost people in the world trade center and damn the black ones to hell they probably cheated to get there. Damn affirmative action. Please bless our pure Christian Brother’s pure souls and hearts. And bless President Bush as he guides through these uncertain times. Amen
Reporter: by this point the Muslim fundamental extremists knew they had hit the heart of America and searched for Muslims to help destroy the fabric of our country.
(Establishing shot for temple. Muslim extremist visiting a regular Muslim temple to find supporters)
Muslim extremist: Praise Allah! I am here today to find recruits to come back with me, back to the holy land to train for the holy war that is upon us. We would like you to join Osama Bin Laden on his mission to purify the Middle East from Christianity once and for all.
Muslim man (stands up): Isn’t your cause violent? Which is against the Korean?
Muslim extremist: Well it not easy to purify the holy land of the Christians…next question
Female Muslim: How do you hold your head high knowing you killing millions of people in the world trade center?
MFE: We didn’t attack America she attacked us
Female Muslim: But you maneuver planes into the world trade center.
MFE: No their buildings struck our planes. I want my planes back!
Female Muslim: But it was their planes
MFE: um. That sounds like a personal problem I mean their planes hit their building what’s up with that?
(MFE signals a body guard with a nod and the woman is escorted out and a gunshot is heard)
Another Muslim: Weren’t there Muslims in the world trade center and pentagon?
MFE [Muslim fundamental extremists]: Well…they were sacrifices and will probably go to heaven. Besides they probably weren’t good Muslims because they were working for the Christians.
Another Muslim: But…
MFE: No more questions
Reporter: Years later everyone still remembers where he or she was on 9/11. It is a phenomenon in psychology called flashbulb memories when a memory is figuratively into burned into your mind. This is our generation biggest moment and first flashbulb memory. The last generation remembers the assassination of President John F. Kennedy and the generation before remembers the bombing of Pearl Harbor. It is a agonizing memory that brings a generation together. Let’s ask this security guard where he was? (Walks up to a security guard who is smoking a cigarette) Where were you on 9/11?
Security guard: (smiles) Getting paid. Man I made some money. 500 dollars in overtime
Reporter: That’s was good I guess. Where exactly were you?
Security guard: I was in Washington at the site of the pentagon.
Reporter: That must have been terrifying, seeing a plane engulf the building.
Security guard: It was because for a second I thought my car windows were shatter due to the impact and I was like shit because I didn’t have car insurance but my windows were fine. So I was cool
Reporter: So how did you handle the chaos?
Security guard: Well I smoked a cigarette. (puts out his cigarette).
Reporter: Didn’t you have to calm people down?
Security guard: Oh yea I stopped them from coming in. Man was that good day with all that money I brought a whole bag of weed and had a banging party and there were these hot mamasita I was like hey mama and…..
Reporter: yeah um…Thank you sir.
(Switches to a teenage)
Reporter: Where were you on 9/11?
Teen: I was at school and like I was in math right. I didn’t do my homework so I was all scared and as he was about to come check mine, the announcement came on it was great. Perfect timing.
Reporter: Were you scared?
Teen: Nah I got the rest of the day off and drank some vodka with my crew. Then I got another day off.
Reporter: Did you at least finish your homework the next day?
Teen: Nah I did some acid. Am I on T.V.
Teen: Shit I hope my momma wouldn’t see this
Reporter: (sighs) I don’t know.
(Reporter shakes head. Switches to two young men who are skate boarding)
Reporter: Where were you on 9/11?
1st guy: We were there. We saw it. We were in New York.
2nd guy: Yea it was crazy.
1st guy: I was like I love this show.
2nd guy: I was like yea I think it’s like “candid camera” and that type of shit.
1st: I was like nah it’s probably some film with Arnold
2nd: And I was like ‘I’ll be back’ you know
1st: I was like this is like not a movie shoot I think this was real. Cause like when people were jumping out the window. There was no net to catch them.
2nd: yea I was like dude and he was like duh and I was like duuuude and he was dude and I was like dude
Reporter: We only have 1 min left of film please can please wrap this up?
1st: Yeah. I was like dude change the channel
(Goes off into black)