Out of suppression I emerged from the narrow clutches of subconscious into the ego. As a new member, I had to help discuss the future of Daphne while finally meeting the new ringleaders of her show. I took my shaky step into the bubbly conscious, which looked like more of a mirage then reality. The sky was a watery shade of blue that made my red sweater purple. I admired the pink sidewalk as it turned to moldy dead grass. Each string of grass stared at me, reminiscing of its youth when the wind could not haul it from its roots. It had been a long time since I had felt the crispiness of the air, and felt the groves of a yellow tree at the end of its existence. I looked at my watch and suddenly ran into the coffee house for the meeting. It was fill of people doing something with their fingers some smoking, others snapping to an imaginary beat. Their fingers yearning to have someone hold their cigarettes as well. I ring the bell at the front desk and a waitress rushed towards me. She stopped suspiciously and smiled weakly at me.
“It’s been a long time,” She said
“It has,” I nodded.
“I wanted to say goodbye, but it all happened so fast”
“Well I’m glad you’re back”
“As am I.”
She showed me to my table and I sat across a girl with a long black dress. Her eyes were small and suspicious as she stared me up and down. She pulled out a cigarette from her bulging pocket and lit with a small green liter. In her eyes I could see my reflection and an everlasting hole. She wore a black wrinkly dress that came to her ankles. Her big lips seemed to kiss the sky each time she inhaled.
“I think…” She started putting out her cigeratte, “I think I know you.”
“Really,” I signaled for a waitress, “Water?”
The waiter came and brought a pitcher for the whole table. And glasses that looked like doves with checkerboard.
“C?” She grasped
“Yes,” I smiled frailly.
“I haven’t seen you, since they suppressed you. How was it?”
“It was dark, very dark. The air was dull and filled of imaginary whispers.”
“It’s great to meet you” She gasped and shook my hand, “I never got to thank you for recommending me.”
“You don’t have too,” I gulped the water, “I knew you were right for the job.”
“I have always wanted to ask you a question,” She fidgeted her fingers, “Sometimes when I am alone with a teacher I feel this weird feeling. This uncomfortable intuition, my fingers would go numb and my breath shallow. I felt you. I felt your hands pulling me back. It made no sense, what was…”
Suddenly a girl burst in and waved her arm outrageously. Her hair was blue and hip-ish down to her back. She wore a short purple skirt that barely covered anything and long chains dangling every time she moved. Her skin was full of freckles each begging for enough room to explode.
“B!” She screamed, “Is that you? I know it’s you. Answer me!”
She ran over, “B, didn’t you hear me calling you?”
“A, you haven’t changed.” B answered.
“Would you want me too?” She asked sarcastically, “If you asked really really nicely then maybe I will consider it.”
A, yawned and stuck a piece of gum into her mouth and spit it out in three seconds.
“And you are?” She asked closing her eyes turning to me.
“C,” I answered
“Cool, want a piece of gum?”
“Sure.” I smiled.
As she opened her eyes, her heavy eyeliner dripped down to her cheek. Her forest green eyes seemed to blend into her eye shadow.
“You know, I was only trying to make conversation, you should have said no. Anyways, B, I haven’t seen you since you decided to spit from me literally, you haven’t been in the office.” A asked sticking another piece of gum into her mouth
“I’ve been busy” B growled
“A lot of things”
“I’m guessing that’s code for nothing. I didn’t think you would be. You don’t have to lie to me”
B growled as she put her hair into a ponytail. She pulled another cigarette from her pocket and lit it.
“When did you start smoking?” A answered obnoxiously, “You know it’s bad for you?”
“As if chewing gum is good for your teeth, the ones you have left anyways,” B answered.
“Hey, I only got one pulled,” A, smirked as she slipped in another piece of gum.
“How can you do that? Just chew a piece of gum for a matter of seconds then spit it out like nothing?”
“Easy!” A spit it out.
“No, I mean, when I chew gum I savor every drip of it. I let it glide up and down my tongue as it slightly tickles my throat. My saliva, slow to catch on, engulfs my mouth with a small flood. As the favor begins to fade, it becomes apart of me like an extra layer of on my teeth. Even with each swift jab of my tongue, it becomes harder and harder to move as it searches for a permanent home. I can’t just throw her out. I can’t let her leave so naked and pure like a fourteen year old girl losing her virginity to her twenty-year-old boyfriend. I must keep her innocent inside me forever and shallow it. Waiting until she decides to come out.”
A rolled her eyes, “First of all he was seventeen not twenty and you didn’t lose anything to him. You’re so melodramatic. And no offense I don’t think letting gum dissolve in your stomach acids is very romantic.”
“I did,” B replied, “Not physically but mentally and emotionally.”
“See that’s why I don’t do relationships, too much attachment.”
“You’re the one who introduces us,” B pointed out putting out her cigarette.
“You didn’t have to become attached, no one asked you too,” A pointed out as she took a sip of water.
“You’re so empty,” B frowned, “Did you know that?”
“I’m not empty ok?” A answered uneasy, “Just because I don’t fall in love with every guy that says hi to Daphne doesn’t make me empty.”
“And what guy have you fallen in love with? Huh?”
“I don’t just throw my feelings around like you. I’m smart about it.”
“Smart, scared, it’s all the same in your dictionary”
A’s eyes narrowed and stood up from her seat, “I’m going to bathroom. I’ll be back.”
“Don’t use up all the tissue paper!” B yelled.
“Shut up!” A cracked as she run off.
B smiled and leaned closer to me,” So as we were talking about earlier, was I imagining it?”
“No, you weren’t. I was trying to warn you.” I explained
“Mr. Smith,” I whispered
“You mean the fourth grade teacher?”
“Telling you could get me send back to unconscious, maybe even destroyed…”
“I swear I wont tell anyone. Please I have to know.”
“It was three days until my birthday, and I was in summer school for failing English class. Mr. Smith was there and we would just talk about anything. Life. Things I don’t remember that well anymore. He would listen and laugh at my jokes. He seemed to understand, for the first time someone didn’t think I was an idiot. I was talking about how stupid my pet rat was one day and then he said he couldn’t hear me. And so I came closer and sat on his lap…I thought it was okay, I trusted him. I thought he just wanted to hear me…I thought he just wanted… Next thing I knew his hands. His wrinkly disgusting hands were… I… I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t stop him from touching Daphne… I failed. His hands were all over I just stood watching… as he… and his hands… went down… I was so confused… I just stood… it was all my fault. I should have left when I had the chance… I wouldn’t have been there… and his hands wouldn’t have been… . The next day, it had been decide that the best thing to do was to suppress it so they told me to pick a replacement. I chose you, I knew you wouldn’t let that happen again.”
“It wasn’t fault, and they had no right to do that to you,” B tried.
“It was procedure, they had too. It would have made a system overload, Daphne couldn’t have handled it at the time.”
“I use to watch you as a intern and wish to be you,” B pulled out another cigarette, “I’d wish…”
A, returned her eyes were redden at the edges and her small lips disappeared in her smile. B lit her cigarette and frowned at A.
“You’re going to give lung cancer,” A yelled as she sat down.
“And you’re going to give us dentures,” B smirked putting out her cigarette on the table.
“So when is the last time you were in the conscious?” A asked me.
“About seven years ago,” I answered, “When did you arrive?”
“Well I started around two years ago but a year before that I had been observing B and her work then I came in and fixed everything.”
“Fixed everything?” B coughed putting out her cigarette, “You honestly believe that don’t you?”
“I know so,” A laughed, “Not saying you didn’t help. A little”
“You just wait,” B whispered biting her lip and tapped her bulging pocket.
“So have you had any experiences with boys?” A asked
“Not really,” I looked at the ground
“Really?” She exclaimed, “You must be joking?”
“No I really am not,” I said.
“So you have never kissed a boy under a purple sky with stars and jazz band playing?” A bragged
“Shut up. Obviously she hasn’t, stop being a bitch,” B lit another cigarette.
“Can’t say I have,” I agreed.
“Well I have done many things with many guys!” A screamed like a public service announcement.
“Hmm… wouldn’t have guess. How do you get so many guy?” I pondered.
“Well I…” A started
“Its called being a slut!” B interrupted with a laugh, “Sorry just thought I’d finish your sentence for you”
“No that’s what jealous girls say and what men who are still trying to keep the our gender down say too. In reality I’m a new type of feminist.”
“Is that right?” B put out her cigarette; “You’re comparing your behavior to that of Susan B Anthony strapping herself to a voting booth.”
A shook her head, “All I’m saying is men have always been allowed to do what I do. Society has turned the other cheek sometimes awarded their behavior with a clap and a good cheer in that direction. Well I’m tired of this shovabistic society, it’s time we take back our good name and enjoy ourselves as much as they do.”
“First of all, it’s chauvinistic not shovabistic. I wish I never taught you that word because you have just used to it to glorify your behavior.”
“I’m not trying to glorify anything, I’m just trying to tell you the truth and all you want to do is belittle me…”
“Belittle?” B interrupted, “You belittle yourself.”
“You’re the problem with society, you keep holding on to these old chau-vin-istic ideals instead of embracing our new control brought by the seventies.”
“Control?” B laughed, “You think we have control. Keep teasing them, dangling sex in your fingertips and when they won’t let Daphne go, just give the speech you gave me. I’m sure they’ll understand, all the guys you picked up seem to be feminist-loving males. Why didn’t you tell that to the guy at the parking lot? I bet he would have listened.”
“You always overreact. He just wanted a blowjob. He wasn’t going to rape us?”
“Oh that is nice to know. I’m glad you had that situation under control…”
“I did and I got us out of there okay.”
“Stop acting as if you really accomplished something. You’re the one who got us there in the first place”
“Everything is all my fault. To you I can do no right and I’m tired of it”
“It always is you’re fault.”
“Here we go again…”
“Remember the time at the parking lot in sliver spring. You basically flashed the parking lot and there were people there unlike Wheaton. You flashed everyone you’re so disgraceful.”
“Disgraceful? That’s original. You always look at the bad, what about the time in November when we got to kiss that hot blonde under the stars with a purple sky while the jazz band played in Hagian Diaz. I gave that to you. Do you remember the shivers down Daphne’s back, I swear I could feel them”
‘Then two days later you gave Daniel.”
“I told you I didn’t know.”
“Fine, cope out like always. You didn’t know… you never know. That’s what you like about these random hookups. Who knows what will happen? Even if Daphne gets raped I’ll leave B to clean up, she always fixes everything. Is that what you think every morning? I swear you do!” B screamed.
“Hey, before me you were nothing. Crying to yourself singing seventeen by Janis Ian with a tube of chocolate ice cream. You wanted happiness I gave it to you. I made you beautiful desirable something any guy in the right mind would want. I gave self-esteem.”
“By taking away my self respect,” B screamed tears rushing down her face, “I hate you”
“Self respect?” A choked, “Come on…”
“All I wanted was someone to talk too sometimes…”
“And I gave that to you!”
B stood up and pulled out a gun, “Stop interrupting.”
A put another piece into her mouth and took a deep breath. The coffee shop went silence and the people moving stopped in place. They looked like dolls waiting for someone to show them purpose and direction.
“I know it’s fake,” A rubbed her head in frustration, “Just like last time. Now sit down.”
B shot it up into the sky cracking the ceiling.
“Fine!” A shook her head, “What do you want for me?”
“To listen to me,” B wiped her eyes, “To actually listen to me.”
“I always listen to you.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Fine go ahead.”
Of course I wanted a guy when I was thirteen what girl doesn’t want someone? I wanted someone to talk to you. Someone to share my secrets with who thought I was funny and sweet. Not some twenty year old to put his sour lips on mine, not that at all. You’re never there for the aftermath, when I’m in the shower trying to scrub off my flesh. No, you have departed wearing you’re insecurities like they’re in style. Self esteem my ass! I’m tired of picking her pieces I don’t want too anymore. I don’t have the strength.”
“So you want to go back to your lowly self”
“Yes, if I knew what would have happened I would have much rather eaten chocolate ice cream singing Janis Ian to myself in a pool of my tears.”
“This is about Daniel isn’t it?”
“No, it’s about more.”
“No it isn’t. You’re stuck on him aren’t you?”
B nodded tears streaming down her face, “It all went to shit. I tired so hard, but it all went to shit.”
“Ok,” A took a deep breath, a tear streamed down her face as well, “I’ll make you deal. I’ll bash myself to the subconscious.”
“Just so you can resurface at some point in the future? I don’t think so. I don’t want you anywhere around Daphne. You’ve fucked her up enough!”
A wiped her tear and wiped her nose.
“If it helps, I know you’re sorry,” B wiping her eyes as she released the safety,
She pulled the trigger and bullet blasted through A’s head like glass. Her hair suddenly turned gray and her skin aged until it turned crimson. When the dust settled on the ground the store unfroze. I stared at A, waiting for her to reshape but she couldn’t. I glanced around me; the people were back to snapping and smoking. The waitress was guiding others to their seats. Time hadn’t stop, it was as if he never did. I signaled for the waitress.
“Um… I…” I mumbled.
“Are you okay?” She asked.
“I’m fine…” I tried.
As I tried to collect myself I knocked over the pitcher of water.
“I’m so sorry,” I said.
“It’s okay I’ll get you some more water,”
“Did you see her? That girl” I pointed to the dust.
“No, but I’ll get the dust cleaned up” She snapped her fingers and it was gone. She was gone.
I felt as if a part of me was gone too. I looked at B and she glared at me.
“I know,” She said biting her lip “I finally did.”
She began to laugh satanically and I caught myself falling into it as well. We stopped and stared at each other confused.
“Want to come together?” She asked extending her hand.
I extended my hand and this black light appeared bounding us together. My flesh began to burn as my heart raced. Then we became one. I couldn’t see her anymore but I know she was smiling as much as I was. But just at the highest point of my happiness I began to wonder about the future. How could get past the problems of the past to really function as Daphne’s mind and the truth was, I didn’t know. Maybe if I did I wouldn’t have taken her hand. We took out a cigarette and lit it with her little green liter, well our little green liter…
© 2005 zoelogan